I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee
I picked up this book because the title intrigued me, and I anticipated a deeper exploration of depression and the journey of seeking professional help. Unfortunately, while reading, I felt somewhat disconnected from the author’s writing. This might be because there was limited recounting of her personal struggles with mental health or possibly due to the structure of the book. Some of her thoughts may have gotten lost in translation. It felt more like a straightforward transcript of conversations between the author and her therapist, without much insight into her inner conflict or the events that led her to seek help. Even the therapist’s responses came across as somewhat bland. I had high hopes for this book, so I’m disappointed it didn’t resonate with me as much as I expected. While the author’s experiences are certainly relatable, the delivery just didn’t have the impact I was hoping for.
PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?
ME: I don't know, I'm – what's the word – depressed? Do I have to go into detail?
Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends, performing the calmness her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?
Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a twelve-week period, and expanding on each session with her own reflective micro-essays, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.